It might be considered a perfect storm. Grown children need to come together to make life decisions for their aging parents. All the issues that were present in childhood are now given the opportunity to rise up again and destroy families. In the rubble you will find elderly people desperate for care, guidance and assistance. There’s a huge re-emergence of sibling rivalry over parents because when we see that our parents’ time is limited, all the unmet needs we’ve had resurface: to be loved, approved of, forgiven or finally be judged as important or as smart as your sister or brother. Most families have fear of getting together for holiday celebrations, none the less sorting out life decisions for their parents.

Boomers with aging parents face a myriad of issues – not the least of them being sibling rivalry, writes Francine Russo in her new book, They’re Your Parents, Too!: How Siblings Can Survive Their Parents’ Aging Without Driving Each Other Crazy.

The two main situations are:

1. One sibling who does all the caregiving and is angry at the other because they don’t do their “fair share.”
2. Where one sibling is insisting on doing it all and the other says, “She won’t let me help.” This sibling wants to contribute but feels the other is taking full control and shutting them out.

Unfortunately we are not talking about doing the dishes or taking out the garbage. We need to decide, who will mom or dad live with, will they want to stay at home? Will dad be placed in a hospice program or not?

What options do families have? If the sibling tensions are too high, get a professional in as early as possible. You can hire a geriatric-care manager, somebody who can hold the family meeting and say, “These are the objective issues. What can each of you contribute?”

If possible, sort out the elder parents heirlooms with your parent present. Never throw anything out: “There’s no way anyone of us can know what emotional significance a table or an old book has for somebody.”

Communication is the key component to leaving the sibling rivalry in the past where it belongs. The elder parents can no longer be the referee, nor should they. The keys to remember are: be honest, be open minded, listen thoroughly, speak up when it is important, and always remember your parents are the focus and they need you and never forget they brought you into this world and one day your children will be going through the same thing.